Cooking, caregiving and conflict: Where family dynamics and long-term care collide
Long-term care insurance can help to keep the peace among siblings as parents age
What do family dynamics have to do with long-term care? In many cases, quite a bit.
To better illustrate this relationship, let’s take a few minutes and get to know the Smith family. The following is a fictional scenario, but it could play out anywhere across the country. You may know a family like this one – or you may even belong to one.
Aging matriarch remains in family home
The Smiths are from Fort Wayne, Indiana. Jane, age 75, is the matriarch of the family and has three adult children: Mike, Sally, and Joe. Jane’s beloved husband of many years, John, passed away a few years ago, and she gets by on a combination of his pension and her Social Security income. Jane still lives in the home that she and John bought when the kids were young, and it’s in need of repairs.
Despite the fact that two of the three children have moved out of state, Jane still insists on hosting holiday gatherings at her home. She takes great pride in preparing the Thanksgiving meal herself, although she has slowed down quite a bit. Daily tasks have gotten harder with her arthritis pain and other age-related ailments..
Adult children have very different lifestyles
Mike resides in West Palm Beach, Florida, with his wife, Jen, and their pampered Miniature Schnauzers. They are very proud of their sports cars, Rolex watches, and wine collection. Mike is well paid, and Jen is well-practiced at spending.
Sally has three children with her husband, Bob, and they both recently retired from their jobs in government. Sally and Bob are extremely frugal with their spending and have a relatively low cost of living outside of Houston, Texas. All three of their children joined the military to pay for college.
Joe still lives in Jane’s home but doesn’t do much to help around the house. At age 38, Joe has spent the last 15 years alternating time between his start-up business idea and playing guitar in a local band. He sleeps most of the day and is out performing most nights. He relies on Jane to keep the refrigerator stocked. Mike and Sally suspect that Jane has been providing more financial support for Joe than she lets on.
Holiday planning decisions are hard
The Smith family has just finished the Thanksgiving meal and, much to everyone’s chagrin, Jane is in the kitchen concocting some type of dessert. Mike, Sally, and Joe are holding an impromptu family meeting about plans for the upcoming winter break.
Jen suggests Barbados. Divided equally, it would cost each sibling $8,000 for the trip. She sees it as a small price to pay for a new holiday tradition.
Sally and Bob in no way can afford $8,000 for a trip and prefer the idea of a potluck at their house in Texas. Joe thinks Barbados is a great idea; he would just need to convince Jane to cover his portion – and maybe take a small loan from his siblings.
Looking at this picture, you can imagine how difficult it will be for the Smiths to agree on holiday plans. They are worlds apart.
Long-term care decisions are harder
Now envision a scenario in which Jane is no longer able to take care of herself. Imagine these three siblings trying to agree on how to handle long-term care for their mother.
- Does Jane have enough money to pay for her own care? Maybe she doesn’t. She’s given Joe a fair amount of money already.
- Are Mike and Jen willing to change their lifestyle to pay for Jane’s caregiver expenses?
- Sally and Bob live off of their county pensions – can they even afford to contribute?
Jane so far has been adamant that she will not leave her house, adding another complication (a house falling into disrepair). Will they need to hire two caregivers? One for Jane and one for Joe?
These siblings approach matters from very different perspectives. Not to mention, they are effectively deciding how to spend their inheritance, which could impact their personal financial plans. There could be resentment over one sibling paying more than the others or mixed feelings from spouses about their mother-in-law. And on top of all of this, there is the emotional toll of dealing with the care of an aging parent.
Keep the peace and protect loved ones
Maybe this all works out. Maybe Jane will never need long-term care. However, statistically speaking, there’s a good chance that she will.
Long-term care stats
Percentage of people turning 65 that will develop a severe long-term care need
Percentage of people turning 65 that will need some type of paid long-term care services
Percentage of people turning 65 that will require paid long-term care for more than two years
Source: Morningstar
If there were a long-term care insurance policy in place for Jane, the policy structure would remove much of the decision-making burden from the family.
- The policy will set forth the exact conditions under which Jane would be eligible for long-term care. Typically the covered person qualifies if they are impaired in two of six activities of daily living (bathing, dressing, transferring, toileting, eating, and continence) or if they have severe cognitive impairment.
- There would be no debate among family members about where the funds will come from to pay for Jane’s care because the policy will cover care expenses.
- Depending on the policy, benefits could either be on an indemnity or reimbursement basis. This can also impact what type of caregiver may be covered.
The Smith family’s story shows how family dynamics can complicate long-term care decisions.
Differing lifestyles, finances, and emotions often lead to tension, but planning ahead can ease the burden. Long-term care insurance can sometimes be a significant expense, but for many families it’s well worth it to keep the peace and know that their loved ones are taken care of.
Start the conversation early to help your family prepare for what lies ahead. Reach out to a Kaufman Rossin Insurance Services professional to determine how long-term care coverage (or a lack thereof) could impact the peace in your family.
Jay Pelham, CFP®, is a President at Kaufman Rossin Insurance, an insurance solutions provider.
